Transfer targets.

By: Shazback | October 25th, 2007

In the wake of a 1-0 defeat I couldn’t follow (yay), I think it is my duty to notify Rennes fans of a few possible transfer targets.

Etto, Gerard and Diego could join Rennes…

When you’ve been beaten by a team that you just called “counterfeit”, even in jest, you have to take a large helping of humble pie. Perhaps the ref got it all wrong, perhaps the pitch was cunningly tilted, perhaps the ball boys were too slow… You still lost.

And as we all know, when a “big” team loses, it has to buy players. It’s the only solution. What do you mean by “it doesn’t work”? Whatever. Here’s a list of possible Rennes players in the future, since it seems you only need to have the name to play the game :

Oélilton Araújo dos Santos a.k.a. “Etto” sounds a lot like a certain Samuel Eto’o that plays for Barcelona FC. Since Rennes couldn’t score against Basel, I think we need him to be top of our transfer wishes. Just imagine it…

Our midfield lacks density and creativity as soon as Leroy isn’t there (defeats against Lokomotiv Sofia and Basel without him), so I guess Dréossi will look into buying Gerard López Segú a.k.a. “Gerard”. After all, he’s already won a Champions League, and with Benitez at the head of Liverpool, I doubt they’ll win a league in the close future. What do you mean, he’s not Steven Gerrard ? Oh whatever. He might forget he’s missing a “r” on his shirt and score a few crackers…

Speaking of midfield, I like Diego Ribas da Cunha a.k.a “Diego” from Werder Bremen. His style, his vision of play, his technique… Everything. I just love watching him play. But I don’t think he’d want to come to Rennes. So I spotted a cheap alternative : Diego José Clementino a.k.a. “Diego”. Sure, he’ll probably dissapoint, but since he’s only 23, he might progress!

A great addition would be Paul Terry. He’s got the same genes (at least a few) as Chelsea’s John Terry, and if one of those genes is the “I’m a great defender” ones, then he’ll be a great snatch! And honestly, who wouldn’t want Terry in their team’s back four?

Joёl Drogba would also have to be signed. I mean, he’s Drogba. Mr I-can-win-games-for-Chelsea-on-my-own Drogba. Or is that Didier Drogba ? Damn, I think we might be following the wrong brother!

Since we’re in France, I know a sure-fire way of becoming the most popular club in France. Sign Zidan. Yes, Mohamed Zidan. He’s not as classy as Zinédine Zidane, but I think we should follow the Arsene Wenger precedent : if the first five letters of a name are in another name, in the same order, and at the start, then the two name-bearers will share a common success. Well, how’s about a Champions League, Mr Zidan?

With a team of such quality, it would be a pity if the goalkeeper wasn’t up to par. And who betters Marek Cech between the posts? 6 feet of taunt muscle, ready to pounce on the first ball that comes his way, and then coolly pass the ball to a team-mate. Well, I guess that Petr Čech might do a better job, but then again, it could just be that Chelsea have better training than Porto. Or that Marek is a defender. Take your pick. I’ll take Cech.

What great (and by great, I mean really great) team could overlook Jordi Cruyff ? Of course, his career was in his father’s shadow from the start, since he started at Barcelona (who said that it was because of Johann Cruyff’s massive ego?). Jordi had promise, but failed to make the cut at Manchester United (I assure you he went there! Same summer as Karel Poborsky!). But then Rennes isn’t Manchester…

Now, we need a few defenders. Since defenders are hard to come by, I’d suggest going for sure-fire players : Marek Heinz, Ferdinand Coly a.k.a. “Ferdinand” and Bjorn Helge Riise. Re-arrage a few letters here and there, mix a name or two, and pretend you didn’t notice, and look what you’ve got : Gabriel Heinze, Rio Ferdinand and John Arne Riise. Real Madrid, Manchester United and Liverpool wouldn’t be happy, but I would.

What a team that would be : Cech in goal, Heinz, Ferdinand, Riise and Terry in defence, Cruyff, Gerard, Zidan and Diego in midfield, Etto and Drogba up front!

Forget the UEFA Cup, we’re going straight for the Champions’ League after the January break.

Now if only we could get the real thing…